Courage isn’t something you are, it’s something you do.

Courage isn’t something you are, it’s something you do.

The other day I was talking to a friend, one of those new sisters in my life that I have a habit of acquiring. We haven’t known each other for more than about half a year, but we connected immediately and share the passion for artistic and creative expression – the more the better (as opposed to what others have tried to impose on one over the years – “you have to focus on ONE thing!”).

We are the same age - 50+ - which seems to be an age when many people start thinking that retirement is near and that it’s probably too late to change direction. For both her and me it’s exactly the opposite, the only thing stopping one from trying new things and expanding one’s range of expression is that the day still only has 24 hours, and that some things simply cost money that isn’t always there. Personally, I also need to sleep a little, which I don’t think my friend needs…

During our latest conversation she told me that she’s now going to start studying again. Exactly what education it will be isn’t entirely clear, but it has to do with writing. This remarkable woman already works with interior design, product development, styling, building projects, photography, art, design and surely more things that I’ve forgotten or don’t even know about. She has already worked some with writing and language, proof-reading and editing books. And now it’s time to take the next step and go deeper for real. When we talk about this, I get a tingling feeling of happiness in my stomach because it sounds so fun, and I immediately want to start studying too – maybe art history, which I’ve thought about for so long!

As we do these days, she posted something on social media where she wrote about this new path in life and how happy she was that it would become reality. I read it and rejoiced again. What a woman! What a damn say-yes-to-life master! Strangely enough, it turns out when we talk that not everyone reacts that way. Several people have reached out and wondered if she knows what she’s doing, if she’s thought it through, if it’s not too late to start studying, if it’s really possible to make a living from writing, if she can even get any decent job. And so on. I mean… what? Here we have a person who should serve as a role model for the rest of humanity with her outlook on life, and she’s met with that kind of response? Why?

One life

The saddest thing I can imagine is going towards the end of life knowing that I wanted to do different things but refrained because I didn’t dare. I have only one life, as far as I know. That life doesn’t run on replay and it’s not a rehearsal. Cliché but very true. Since I’m not religious in the traditional sense, I don’t walk around thinking that I should be a good person in order to be rewarded in the next life, or in heaven or wherever it might lead. I want to be a good person for those around me in this life, and actually for my own sake. I am important to me. I mean a lot to me, and how I choose to live my life is the most important thing of all.

I, like so many other women, have devoted my whole life to taking responsibility for others – practically and emotionally. I’m an expert at taking responsibility for other people’s feelings and have trouble setting boundaries with my closest ones. I’m great at instantly adjusting if any of them so much as breathe that they need me for something. I’m practicing this thing with boundaries but it’s hard for me. Now that I, past fifty, have taken the freedom to do what I love and want, without compromise, it’s also only I myself who am responsible for navigating among old and new behaviors. Both my own and those around me. It’s dizzyingly wonderful and damn scary. At times uncomfortable. Almost impossible. I have to redo and make right. Or at least differently.

Personally, I have mostly received lots of cheering, encouragement, support, nice comments and love since I made my decision to leave my previous safe job and go for my dream. That means everything! What I hear most of all is that I am brave. That of course makes me happy and proud of myself, I like being brave. I like that others see me as brave, as someone who dares. That’s truly fine and important!

Courage isn’t something you are, it’s something you do.

But. A little while ago I had a digital conversation with another sister who is a fantastic artist – in her spare time, so to speak. The conversation was precisely about boundaries, limitations and who actually sets them for us. She said that she would so much like to devote more time to her art but that she’s not as brave as I am. To which I replied, without really knowing where it came from, that “courage isn’t something you are, it’s something you do.” Afterwards I’ve thought a lot about that. What does it actually mean? Is it true? What IS courage and how does one act courageously?

This is what it says in the Swedish Academy Dictionary:

mod noun ~et1 bravery; courage; “fatta mod” = gather moral strength to carry on2 state of mind: “väl till mods” = in good spirits; “illa till mods” = ill at easeAnd this is what it says in the Swedish Dictionary:someone who can act without fear of the consequences, both in terms of physical and mental fearlessness.

I think that actually confirms my thesis that it requires an active action. That one makes a decision to do something one wants (preferably) even though it feels scary, unpleasant or perhaps irrational – plus that it might actually involve a risk. To be afraid and feel anxiety but to overcome it because the will and longing to act are stronger.

When I quit my professional life at the big truck company, with a safe, predictable existence, a decent salary and nice colleagues, it wasn’t because I’m brave by nature and that it was just about pressing that button. Not. At. All. I did it even though I was terrified. When I sent in my resignation, I felt physically ill. Once I was even about to withdraw it. But I didn’t, and today, two and a half years later, I can say with conviction that it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. THAT WAS A BRAVE ACT! I wasn't brave, I made a brave choice even though I was scared as hell!

You can be fearless and scared at the same time

One might possibly say that I’m rather fearless. And we’re not talking about fearless in the sense of being adventurous on a physical level. I have zero desire to seek adventure outside my head, so to speak. Mountain climbing, ballooning, backpacking and motorcycling are not for me. I can understand the appeal on a theoretical level but I REALLY don’t want to challenge myself that way. And that’s perfectly okay. My fearlessness is about something else. For example, exploring my creativity. Or starting a network and holding workshops on feminism and sisterhood. Here there’s no fear, only joy and drive.

Another person might love hanging upside down on a zipline over a ravine but feel terrified at the thought of talking about their innermost thoughts and feelings. We’re different.

In my world I experience that women are creative. Artistically and in other ways. We are solution-oriented and quickly find ways to make life work for ourselves and our loved ones. Many are artistically creative in different ways – often more than one – there’s a closeness to creation in an intuitive and sensitive way. What’s often missing is self-confidence. And that permeates everything in the creative process. From not even starting to create for fear of “doing it wrong” to not daring to show what she’s made out of fear of what others might think.

It's time to be inconvenient

Women have long been raised and trained not to stick their necks out. To please is good – that’s what we should excel at. To be difficult and rough-edged is less good. To be visible and take space without asking for permission is not something we girls are encouraged to do. Maybe that’s starting to change – I hope so. Most of the women around me are my age, but I also have a young adult daughter. We talk about a lot – everything, I think – but I’m not present in all her different spaces where she interacts with others, so I don’t know everything about how she and her peers act. So my experiences and observations come from my own sphere.

Since we started our network, or movement, Systerskapa! * a year ago, I have talked and written with many women. Many express a wish to be more creative, to take their creating to a new level, a will to own their time and take charge of their life direction to a greater extent. Just as many express feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-confidence. Want to but don’t dare. A strong longing to express who they are, but the fear that it won’t be good enough, right enough or sufficient wins the tug-of-war. Security is crucial. That security can be many things: financial, of course, but just as often the security that exists in not sticking your neck out and in giving instead of taking.

For me, courage, creativity and self-confidence are closely linked. Perhaps rather a circular movement without beginning or end. Embraced creativity creates self-confidence which enables courageous choices which make room for more creativity.

Exactly how that looks for you, only you can know. But I can give you some tips on things you can do to make the process easier. Here we go!

1. Spend time with like-minded people. People who give you energy and can have real conversations, without prestige.

2. Write. Get yourself a nice notebook and write down everything you need. Define what you want for yourself – in writing. The effect of the connection between hand and brain is undisputed.

3. Meditate. Really needs no further explanation. The effect of meditation is now proven – the grey matter in the brain increases with regular meditation. Even short moments.

4. Physical activity. Endorphins are the shit.

5. Practice not bargaining with yourself. Express your will and stand by it – to yourself and to others.

6. Be clear – to yourself and to others.

7. Practice saying no without explaining why the next time you feel you’re about to go against your will. (By far my hardest skill!)

8. Create your own time to do what you want. A week has 160 hours, so probably there’s time even if your inner voice says otherwise. If you dream of painting, do it for 15 minutes if you don’t have more time. That’s enough to kick-start the system.

9. See yourself as inspiration for others. Girls and women need role models to see what’s possible.

10. Spend time in nature and stop now and then to pat a tree a little.

11. Give a damn about social media or streaming series. That time is just wasted and also creates stress. Period.

These 11 points in one way or another create space for the soul to grow, for thoughts to take shape, and eventually many small building blocks have become a platform to stand on. Or why not a stage where you yourself are the main character in your own story?

To make it all easier for you, I've created an e-book with the 11 steps to live without fear and with intention, download it here.

With love,

*Systerskapa! lasted for two years and then it just didn't become what we had hoped for.