How I changed my life completely in less than a year

This is an old post, written in late 2021, but the content is still valid, so keep on reading!

How I changed my life completely in less than a year

..including quitting my dayjob, starting a business and moving house.

Exactly one year ago I sat by my desk in the office and my boss told me and the other two women in our team that the pandemic was spreading quickly and that we needed to work from home for a while. So, with very little preparations - we packed our laptops and said See you soon, ladies - left the office and went home. Little did I know that I would never return to that office again.

The awakening

Going back in time, about five years. I think it was the summer of 2015 and I, my husband and our daughter had just moved into our new house, a three floor townhouse with a small garden in the back. At this particular moment it was summer, the first summer in years that I got to enjoy the blossoming apple trees, the persistant tulips and the fragrant pionees in my very own garden. I almost fainted, that’s how happy I was.

I had just recieved a copy of a book that would turn out to be the one thing that changed everything, a book about pattern design by Swedish designer Lotta Kühlhorn. There I was, sitting in the flourishing garden, totally absorbed by this amazing book and all the beautiful patterns. I read the book from the first page to the last without pausing and when I put it down I knew what I wanted to do - learn how to design patterns and create textiles with my designs.

The following years I learned as much as I could about pattern design - how to draw motifs and put them together in a harmonious way, by hand with pen and paper. I learned Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop - which is an ongoing process because there is no such thing as knowing these programs completely - and learned how to make patterns digitally in several ways. I have experimented and tried different ways to create the designs I want, developing my skills and my voice. I have taken online classes and courses, spent countless hours creating and I can honestly say that I have never put this kind of effort into anything before in my life.

System failure

The years went by and all this passionate learning took place at the same time as I worked full time in the truck company and raised a teenage daughter AND pursued some kind of music career. Then my body started to protest. Louder and louder. I was used to have neck and back pain but then the muscles in my entire body started to ache, the pain was moving around and exercising began to stress the system instead of making me feel good as usually was the case. I went to doctors, physical therapists, psychologists, alternative doctors and healers. I tried different diets, meditation, yoga, running, resting, workouts, walking and what not. I tried really hard to heal myself but nothing seemed to work for more than a little while. The pain didn’t go away.

Not only did my body protest louder and louder, so did my soul.

“Your body always hears what your mind says”

In another life

Before my daughter was born I used to be a freelance singer. I lived a creative, soul-driven life and even though it wasn’t easy, I knew who I was and what I loved to do. Being a mom to a much awaited child I no longer wanted to work evenings and nights or be away for days or weeks touring. I decided to apply for a ”regular” job and see what it would be like to have steady hours and a paycheck coming in every month. My intention was to do this for a while I figured out if I wanted to pursue my singing career or do something else.

On stage, back in the days…

Not long after I got the job in the big truck company, my former husband and father of my child and I got divorced. Suddenly I was a single mother with a bank loan and it didn’t feel like an option to leave a steady income and a safe providing for me and my daughter. So I stayed. For 18 years.

There are a million different reasons to why I stayed so long in a job that I didn’t hate but that slowly drained me and kept me in a constant state of stress. I changed positions a couple of times and I did a good job wherever I was. Because that’s what I do. I learn fast, I hate to feel inadequate and I’m a perfectionist which of course makes me a perfect over achiever. In my case that didn’t equal climbing the career ladder, it meant that I almost always had much higher expectations of myself than others had which in turn meant that I was always stressed and a little nervous. Add to that the feeling of not being in the right place and having to be someone you’re not, constantly violating your values and beliefs. You don’t have to be a genius to understand why my body was aching. But the safety in a steady job and a strong fear of not being able to provide for my daughter and myself kept me in the hamster wheel.

The one that got to stay

After a couple of years as a single mother I met my present husband, one of the kindest and funniest persons I know, and we formed a new little family. For some years to come focus lied on our family and raising a now teenage daughter. My husband is a musician too and our daughter has a singing voice from heaven, so music has played a big part in our lives until corona entered. Without that, I think I would have gone mad…

And then, in 2015, that day arrived when I sat in my garden and realized that, in order to survive, I needed to blow life into my creativity and that I wanted to be a surface pattern and textile designer.

Universe working it’s magic

Going back to March 2020. I grabbed my laptop and went home, welcomed the unexpected possibility to work from home, which before the pandemic wasn’t a regular thing in the company. At this time we became part of the governement’s program for part time layoff and suddenly worked only two days a week. This was a blessing for me. All of a sudden I could spend time on my creative work and I also realized that I needed to do something about the pain in my body that just kept getting worse.

I was lucky to meet a doctor who new something about chronic pain and with her help I finally got to see a specialist who diagnozed me with fibromyalgia. Since this is not a story about fibromyalgia and I don’t want my life or work to be defined by that, I’m not going in to that here. Let’s just say that it is a real decease that sets off the pain regulating system in the brain so that pain that once was episodic is now permanent and the volume switch is constantly on a high level. It can not be cured but you can definately live a good life with it as a companion. I have access to a team of experts on pain at the local hospital, they are outstanding and I learn how to handle the pain on a daily basis.

“We go through life. We shed our skins. We become ourselves. ”— Patti Smith

The summer came to an end and by the time September began, the truck company decided that the layoffs would end and we were all back to normal working hours although still working from home. On the evening of the 31st of August I sat down with my husband and cried. I think I was really blubbing when I said to him: ”I can’t do this anymore but I don’t know how to get out!” The following day the tech company went out with an offer to all employees that if you volontarily resigned you would recieve a sum of money. Even though the amount wasn’t that big, I didn’t think twice. I sent the application and within two weeks I had signed the papers and I worked my last day on the last of October. Sometimes the universe works its own magic…

New beginnings

During last summer our daughter, who just turned 20, moved to her own appartment and suddenly we were in a new stage of life on a personal level too. My husband and I had talked about the concept of downshifting for a while and with only the two of us in the house, new possibilities appeared. Speaking of the universe - at the exact same time as I decided to leave my job, a smaller appartment in a nice neighbourhood became available to us. We thought about it for a couple of minutes and decided on the spot to go for it.

The coming months we renovated the place inside and out, sold the house and packed all our belongings (at least some of it, we had to sell and give away most of it) and in the middle of January this year we left the 200 square meters big house and moved in to an appartment a third that size - and we love it!

By the end of 2020 I started my design business which for the time being is managed from home. I am launching my own textile brand this year and eventually I will have to find a studio but for now it’s fine!

I am still facing fears, the uncertainty of being self-employed and I have moments when I seriously doubt my sanity. Nothing in my life is what is was a year ago, the transformation is huge. But despite the chronic pain I can feel my body and mind transitioning into a more relaxed state. The feeling of freedom is breathtaking and I dare say that I am happy! (I will dig deeper into these topics in future post: fears and self-doubt, sabotaging self-talk and how to change that.)

The irony is that I have the pandemic to thank for this chain of events. The feelings are mixed, of course. I had the virus myself during Christmas and it’s a nasty one. My heart goes out to everyone who suffered from Covid themeselves or maybe lost someone dear. Still - no matter how I think about it, I don’t think I could have taken the leap if the pandemic hadn’t happened. I was so stuck in my own fears that I walked in circles and I just couldn’t find a way out. I needed something drastic to happen.

This post, even though quite long, of course doesn’t cover everyone and everything that had played a part in this journey of mine. So many people that support me, new tribes of fantastic wise women, my family, friends and others plays a huge and unreplacable part in my life - then and now - and I will come back to some of them in future posts.

Here we are now

Thank you for reading this long post - my story - I hope you found it somewhat interesting and that you will continue to follow me along on this journey. The blog is my place to go a little deeper with my story, my creative life and business, but also talk about all things important to live a soulful life. I want this place to be a room for conversation and connection so please leave a comment or ask a question!

Do you feel the urge to make som serious changes in your life but don't know how to muster the courage and energy? Read this post about my take on courage and action!